Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

2.09.2011

Pausing Pressure Points

I've been here before and I remember what happened the last time I didn't stop. So I'll pause.

Out of know where, the job that I LOVED turned into a job that I don't much care for today. I work with a group of spazzers. I get it, but when I spazz, I tend to stay to myself, (like now) let the situation work it self out and then come back to the world like Tevin Campbell did in 1995. All of a sudden my work got more complex, my bosses are requiring me to operate over capacity and I'm already operating over capacity in other facets of my life. I feel the breakdown coming on.

I work from 8-5 daily. I'm in a dual educational program from 5-10 daily and on top of that I'm in production on a book.

I'm overloaded. I don't feel like doing anything.

Everyone at work loves me - they thank me for making things easy for them.
I get emails from people frequently telling me how much they appreciate my blog and my shows and how it helps them deal.

I can't say the same...Every day I come to the realization that it's just me and it has always been that way...since I was a kid. My mother was there - but she really wasn't. My Grandmother practically raised me, but she was old and wasn't "all the way there." It's always been me. It has always been me...And before I knew it, I was 8 running a household.

There are highlights of happiness. But it's not even temporary. It's like a split second...a tease. a flash of lightining in the sky.

I have no human contact...everything is twitter this, text that, bbm this. I'm not a robot.
People don't understand me...they understand Trent Jackson though.
I just need to cry.

Nothing makes me happy.

The Janet and Rahsaan songs have stopped working. Weed stopped working, so I stopped it. I've never been a drinker and I'm tired of eating.

I'll sit...and wait it out.

Hopefully when I get this sorted if that ever happens, I'll have a friend that I can talk to - other than my pending shrink and other than the people that come with their hand out. I'll have a book out. Love Will Never Do will be my favorite Janet song again. The twinkle in my eye will return when I hear Rahsaan sing Any Other Love...

I need help...
finding my zest for life again.

But I think it's gone...

2.08.2011

Real Talk...Fiber Tabs moves shit outta the way

  • I love to see the expression on peoples faces when I make it to work earlier than usual.
  • I also love the way people respond to me when I actually put on "clothes" and groom myself. I still love my sweats, my uggs, my T-shirts & Jeans. I'm a Cali boy - we are laid back like that...
  • It's only been a week and I already miss his morning wake up call...even though it's only been one day...I like hearing him 1st thing in the morning.
  • Ever since he's been calling/BBM'n me in the morning, I've been on time to work. Mind you I've been late to work for the last 60 days straight. Seriously.
  • Sunday night we were cupcaking and it exceeded the time limit. But it's all good because I like talking to him...
  • And while I was cupcaking, #Taurus was arguing with his girlfriend. He is such a dramaqueenattentionwhore. :-/ **EYE ROLL & HAIR WHIP** He only did that shit because he knows I'm talking to some other boy. WHY HE MAD THO? I can't get with these presumed heterosexual men with girflfriends that want to get butt plugged.
  • Bi-Sexual and DL are two completely different things.
  • I've learned to leave the past exactly where it is....especially pertaining to people I've had sex with. All we had was sex. Don't call me no more! :-| Our bodies and made no agreements! I need a husband!!
  • My spirit won't allow me to interact with late and tired queens.
  • I have a tendency to withdraw until I understand what is going on.
  • Yesterday was real emotional on a #subtweet kinda way.
  • Valentines Day aint shit. I was thoroughly annoyed when I walked into CVS and all them fuckin heart shaped blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Anyway.
  • I pay attention and make note of everything. Even the stuff I'm not supposed to keep note of...
  • I don't like being lied to and I don't like my emotions being toyed with on the slightest.
  • I sold my tickets to see Janet Jackson in Hong Kong. I'm actively trying to sell my D.C. tickets. I won't slam her publicly, but lets just say I saw this shame show in 2008 and once last year - I think it's safe to say that this is her continuance of the "RockWitchu Tour." The only thing that's new about this tour is her 9 month old haircut that she sported back in 82. Bitch, quit playing. Find Tina, Kelly, Shawnette, Gil, Tyce, Tish, LaVelle, Terry and Anthony and give one ol' finale and sit your ass down bitch.
  • This weekend was a good weekend. I got my haircut now I'm actin' brand new...
  • I want to be in love.
  • I have been putting off this surgical procedure since December. Here it is February, it ain't happening till after I come back from The Bahamas...in March. I am nervous as hell.
  • So since this is my bosses last official week, you know that sambo is gonna pull out every ghetto trick he knows to entrap me. He called me an asshole on Friday and this morning he came in my office, stood in front of me and then slowly placed some blackberries on my desk while starting at me. #Weird.
  • I spent all day at Busboys Sunday working on edits, meeting with my assistant and my attorney. My plan was to go and 100% support an associates event, but my attorney was running late, so I ended up not making it...hopefully it's all good.
  • I'm not forcing it and I'm not stressing it.
  • I'm not into sports, another reason why I like to date guys who are into it, so I can learn more and don't sound silly or get that awkward look when a man asks me about sports. The fuck I'm gonna say? "Oh I'm into the arts." :-/
  • Why does he keep appearing in my timeline. I can't stand fake bitches and I can't stand people who try to out do me after I've taught them what they know. Then after I unfollow of course he tweets me. Bitch you ain't tweeted me or contacted me in the last 369 days...wtf?! Anyway bitch.
  • There is a consulting fee...you're obviously coming to me because you know, I know what I'm talking about. Not only that, I'm someone that you respect. Would you be asking me for advice if I wasn't on your radar?
  • He's got me in the mood to date...
  • Honestly, I never thought of myself as attractive. I thought because I was larger and called fat most of my life, I didn't think I was attractive. No one wanted to befriend or date the fat boy. It makes it worse when your own parents victimize you for being fat...
  • Finally! Someone who gets my creative vision!!!
  • I don't need nobody else...I can to damage by myself...walk in the room everybody like damn...
  • That was a very kind, sweet gesture. I'm always grateful when people do kind things...You know, when you're just nice - and you care about people and you do things without a break, sometimes you get beat down and go through moments when you don't think that you'll ever get over. Out of the blue someone says or does something that makes everything that you've been through irrelevant. It doesn't have to be big. A simple thank you is enough...I totally wasn't expecting that. It made my heart melt...
  • I've realized that I've climbed an uphill battle and I'm like two steps away from the top. I put in a lot of hard work and I haven't asked for a thing. Last year, I was broke, virtually homeless, no money, I lost a lot of money in stocks, I was being sued left and right, I owed the IRS 10K, I raised my sister...people really don't realize how much I do, in fact I don't realize how much I do...but today I got it. I'm not the same person I was last year. I'm not in the same place mentally...I'm grateful.
  • I love that little girl (my sister) She is growing up so quick. She's learning how to assert herself, which I'm glad she's doing. She's a young lady - and she needs to be assertive this young (8), that is something I lacked terribly at her age. I never knew how much I influenced her and how much she looked up to me - until I had a conversation with her on Skype. She is such a beautifully intelligent, witty, smart young chick. I can't wait to see what she will become with all that has been given to her. I love her boots! And I'm dying to tell her, "He can't beat it if he don't eat it.":-/ Shit, I wish I had a big brother like me...
  • The truth of the matter is that I'm a bitch because I have trust issues. Every adult in my life has failed me and I expect for people to let me down, because people rarely come through for me. I don't ask for help and I've done a lot on my own and suffered a lot because of it. I'm reconciling it...
  • One thing that is important to me is friendship. I take it very seriously. Because I'm not all that close with my family, my friends are my "perfect family."
  • Travel light travel far.
  • So...while  skyping with my sister before she went to school this morning, my mom said something to her and she looked dead into the camera, paused for about 10 seconds and gave me that, "Bitch please look." Then she said, "I know you're glad you don't live in this house anymore. I gotta go." And rolled her eyes...Mind you she's 8. :-| Just wait till she gets on that rag! Miss. Thang is going to be slaying her parents left and right...coming for blood. Let me start making space now. I know I'll be the only one that will be able to handle her.
  • This weekend, I reached out to a person I hadn't talked to in 5 months. It was painful for me to walk away, but it had to be done. I'm very proud of him and the strides that he's made to get to his happy. We talked, hammered it out, had a few drinks and smoked. It was hard for me to hear him say "I felt like you abandoned me. I needed you even when you think I didn't. I went through a lot when you left, but I needed to go through that." I'm glad he said it. I never turned my back on him - I'm loyal, even when people aren't loyal to me. On the flip side, I wouldn't be where I'm at this very moment if it weren't for him - it would behoove me to acknowledge that and correct it.
  • I'm very grateful for friends and people that understand me.
  • I love my attorney - she keeps it real and her hair is laid.
  • ahhhh, 35 days till my birthday. I see I will be dateless. So much for the 90 day plan this year! #Womp...well there are technically 35 days left to secure a date...that would be a thirst mission tho. I mean, in my mind it's basic. I just want to go out to dinner, talk, be told happy birthday and maybe a kiss...what the fuck? I'll get it. Let me just strap up this body magic and tease my hair :-/
  • I see I am going to have to go back to asking, "What do you want from me?" and "What firm do you work for?" You ask these hoes direct questions and they still lie!?!?!?!
  • Some relationships are worth fighting for...
  • Meagan Good done slipped on a banana peel and bumped her head if she think she is about to channel Whitney Houston.
  • I've reconsidered my decision to get a nose job and liposuction.
  • Bitch just cause I got a flashy time-piece and I carry a "man bag" don't mean I'm rich. I made 85k last year. I got the tax forms to prove it! My tuition alone is 40k get out my face. #ShitTalking

2.02.2011

February Follies

  • Happy February!!!
  • Did yall see your shadow when you came out the house this morning? :-/ I didn't. I didn't even want to come out of the house and face the world. But guess what?! BITCH I'M ME!!! (Don't forget)
  • I hate when I wake up with remnants of the previous nights emotional breakdown.
  • The last time when I was home (Los Angeles, my mommas house) she said to me, "Terence, when your light shines - you're not going to have a lot of people around you." That makes sense to me everyday. Maybe this is why I never feel connected to people, but they're always seemingly connected to me.
  • I completely adore, admire and respect Rahsaan Patterson. His music (he) has gotten me through so much since 1997. He and Janet are on the same level and you know how I feel about her.
  • Not that I owe anyone an explanation, but I realize I have people that support my work. I got two royalty checks this week to prove it. But when you've ignored yourself for such a long time (as I have, always doing for others), you kinda want to get back to yourself. That's what I've been doing for 3 years, getting me together so I can continue to be of service. I not one of these fly by night authors that come out with books every year. Bitch really? Writing on popular topics that will subside. I like to make classic shit that is timeless. Jimmy Jam, Terry Lewis, Babyface, Hall & Oates, Gamble & Huff style...
  • I'm aware.
  • Shot out to Drama Dupree!
  • Confirmed: My support system is obsolete. This doesn't surprise me. As soon as I start to trust people and let them in a yard...they display they aren't ready. You are the weakest link! #Goodbye
  • I do not like my butt. It's too big. It's wide and high...Can I get a butt reduction? Even when I lose weight, my waist shrinks and my butt is still big. :-( too much wanted, yet unwanted attention. Damn! Too much booty in the pants...
  • Yall stay reaching for the top shelf without a ladder...see where that gets you.
  • I'm not in the mood for no shit, so please save your own dignity. Thanks! :-) It's all in love. L-O-V-E.
  • Never limit your history - celebration or remembrance of it to one month.
  • I get so annoyed when "Elegant" or "Fancy" is printed on a box of plastic ware. wtf!?
  • I am very in touch with myself. Particularly my emotions and room to spazz is needed.
  • Defy the stereotype. Do what they aren't expecting you to do...
  • Valentines Day :-| Quit playing.
  • Even though I have no balance (everything is black or white to me...some shades of gray but they tend to be closer to black) I expect to have definition and boundaries. If you want to fuck - lets just fuck only call me when it's time to fuck. If you want to be friends, don't be sexually suggestive. Because when the two meet, thats when emotions get involved. And fuckin' with my emotions is like what? FUCKIN' WITH MY MONEY SMOKEY!!! And what happens when you fuck with a nigga's money? Oh okay...don't find out the hard way.
  • I hate living with boys. They are disgusting, don't clean and are just overall triflin. I've been trying to talk to my roommate since September about his cleanliness and the importance of it. Particularly the bathroom and the kitchen. I feel that these two areas of your home are theeeeeeeeee MOST important rooms in your house. I know I fucked his world up this morning when I left my dirt and hair in the tub and didn't clean it. I was waiting on him to say something. Then I left egg shells on the counter, bread crumbs everywhere and I left my juicer pulp in the sink over all the dishes...lmao. I was daring him to say something. I will clean up after myself, but another grown ass man I'm not fuckin' or getting any support from. Girl please! (LMAO) anyway...
  • I don't give a fuck what yall say! Whitney is #Legend and she will be treated as such. Yall bitches really thought she was about to give yall Rachel Marron on Sunday night? Hahahaha! And the crowd screams boo! Whitney had already stopped singing by the time Rachel Marron came around...
  • It is a blessing to be able to walk out on that stage and still look and sound like herself...she was close...to the edge.
  • While we're still on Whitney - there was something amazing about the fact that she showed up to Bobby's mothers funeral - and sang. That was an interesting union, but I love their loyalty and respect to each other. A lot of couples break up and happily "fuck" the ex's entire family after it's a wrap. I respect and appreciate that bond. Even in the mist of all that haze that went on, friendship remains.
  • Imagine my face when I read this email at work this morning: "So my walk to my car just now ended with me, like the commercial, saying "I've fallen and I can't get up!" Well, I did get up. But I am bruised and in combination with the news telling me that the icing will get worse, I am going to stay home. At least I have power and can VPN in to address any emergency." But the cackle is, the man literally weighs a metric ton :-|
  • I was on spazz central this weekend. The undercurrent of emotional problems never seem to get resolved. Especially when they are tied to traumatic, defining moments in your life.
  • I am going to try sobriety until my birthday which is in 39 days. Want to buy me a gift? Hahahahahaha!
  • I think I finally have the energy I need to do this, #Paging Trent Jackson. "Showtime Synergy."
  • SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO my insurance man calls me 2 months after I wanted to sign up. I explained to him how negligent he was, how his business skills sucked and if he wants to increase income he should communicate properly. I followed it up by telling him I'd rather pay the full premium than get the discount he offered in lieu of having to chase someone for service. I don't understand people who are in these mutually beneficial situations that fuck it up. If you provide a service, conduct your business properly. Like the weed man that never answers the phone...wtf? Where they do that at?
  • I like flirting with Larry Hoover. We'll never cross the line...(don't give me an opportunity tho)
  • Why do people get mad when I tell them I don't have a type? I don't! I don't limit myself by a silly list of requirements and boxes I want someone to fit in. If you have respect for me, treat me right, reciprocate, you're honest, can make me laugh, you listen, you have good social skills, assertive...it's a go. But I do like tall boys tho :-/ (I think 6 ft is tall) But again, I'm not going to not talk to you because you're short.
  • It's a myth that I only date light skinned men. :-/ #Blasphemy
  • I called your bluff! :-) You know you can't handle me...stop while you're miles ahead.
  • 3 days in a row I beat the alarm clock...and was on time to work! It takes 7 days for a habit to form and 30 days to break one. Day 2 of Sobriety :-/
  • Even when you are stupid and do dumb ass shit. I don't treat you like I know it.
  • Sooooooooooooo. Why was I on the Red Line yesterday...and saw the dude I was fuckin' this summer, when I lived over by Howard. He was a neighborhood dude who saw me smoking weed on the corner one night at like 2 a.m. I was having a smoke break - cause I was writing all night. We talked, blah, blah, blah. The next night I ended up fucking the shit outta that woman's son...and the rest of the summer. That is when I realized I lived in the DL Capital of the world, I have phenomenal sex and the body makes commitments wether you want to or not. Don't think he didn't text me when he got off the train... :-/ We had no connection other than sex. I'm over it. But I enjoyed it...
  • I think I may have found my friend with benefits...technically he found me. He has nice lips too. I hope he likes kissing...Once my tongue slides down his ass, I know he'll be sucking my dick...
  • The truth is we all need someone to motivate us...or give us a reason to do something. We all want to be able to share ourselves intimately with one person...
  • BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH. March 6th. Celebrity Apprentice. LaToya Jackson alone bitch.
  • LaToya Jackson.
  • The voice.
  • The Hair.
  • The Nose.
  • The things that come outta her mouth.
  • EPIC.
  • Then there's NeNe - that bitch is a moose...
  • Speaking of the Housewives - Cynthia is dumb as shit. She's a lesbian and NeNe is bi. There aint no way Bravo is editing this shit together to make them look like this. This is how they act in real life and there is no way in straight hell that I'd marry Peter if he was the last uncircumcised Philistine left on the planet.
  • My new boss is in cahoots with the old boss. I know plotting bullshitters when I see them. If you come from a family like mine, you know when people are up to no good and out to get your ass.
  • I'm going to do what I want and do what makes me happy...if you're obstructing that or have the potential to, **No Words**
  • #Taurus is a cool dude...that's it. I'm working on an exit strategy for him as we speak.
  • Sometimes all we're missing is someone letting us know it will be okay...
  • He seems like a good fuck...since that's what it's all about now. I'm always late to the party :-/
  • Too much of me will send you into a state of shock.
  • This will be my last season of "In The Mix With Trent."
  • My boss Niggadamus Jones will be lingering till next Friday. He's training the new broad. I know he has tricks up his sleeve, I ain't fallin for that okey-doke. The fuck I look like? Anyway...he's salty as fuck. He still hasn't announced it. But nigga we know whats up.
  • I like it when boys (over the age of 21) talk nasty to me.
  • Speaking of nasty, I'm glad I've never let a man penetrate me...I am saving that for the one that's gonna work for it..I told yall bitches before I'm versatile. Even though that's too much, a man won't admit it, but if the right person takes you there you'll do it. I have several people's virginity tucked off in my wallet. I still talk to them. I think they deserve that.
  • Someone will care for me one day, the way I care for others.
  • I see I'm gonna have to suck some photographers dick to take these pictures.
  • Bitch, just cause you go to the gym and have a nice body, that don't mean I want you. You still ain't shit. And you wouldn't be shit without that 6 pack. Now if I went and got one....
  • I live in the DL capital of the world. And it doesn't bother me...everything is an experience...I just need to know what the fuck I'm getting involved in :-/
  • Oh...Thank you for the ride...nowhere.
  • My relationships will never be heard of until after they're over...
  • I'm not going to lie to myself about the situation. I see whats going on and the truth is...It's not what is being presented to me. I'm smart, old and wise enough to know that.
  • Once I'm "over it" and turned off. That is it...and it's not real hard for me to get there...
  • One of my new jams is "Beautiful Mistake" by Keri Hilson. The new Pebbles. I was hard on her (Keri)before because she always comes out talking shit on other people. Bitch please. I had a run in with her at Target in L.A. she's a bit of a bitch. But she's still nice to watch (look at)...Pretty Girl rock...
  • I've a met a lot a celebrities that I didn't like - but their talent is superb...and I must give credit where credit is due.
  • This dude Zephaniah is ridiculously talented! OMFG! He is the love child spawn of Rahsaan Patterson and Janelle Monae. His new song is everything! Download his mixtape! It is an orgasm on catastrophic levels.
  • When the fuck is DC gonna get a blizzard? I need a couple of days off?!
  • THANK YOU GOD FOR MY JOB!!!! I am so grateful. I didn't have one at this time last year and I was broken...even though the people aren't the brightest and I have to inject my ideas to bring a fresh perspective, I thank you.
  • I'm the 90's kid that grew up to be a writer. I live a rich, but warped digital existence. I seek and perpetuate authenticity. Good Day!

Spazz Control 2.8 (lmfao) :-|

I'm thinking.

I have a tendency to over think. But I'm the kind of person that needs to know where I fit in, in the scheme of things so I can know how much to involve myself.

I'm shy. I'm guarded. I'm patient. I'm loyal. I'm empathetic. I'm understanding and helpful to a fault. I know what I want. I know what I expect and I know what I require. But it seems as if...

I know myself. WELL. I know I'm getting to that point where I need to shut myself off. People are getting on my last fuckin' nerves, they're taking my kindness for weakness, they are playing these games that I've played before, testing my patience, provoking me into enforcing boundary, etc. I just refuse to sit around and watch my intelligence or emotions be violated on any level. For me it's better to stop it before it starts...

I know myself. I've accomplished a lot. I'm successful. I've overcome - and I'm damn sure not trying to back track in aspects of my life. Last year at this time I was in a pretty bad space mentally. I had reached my wits in. The only two options I was faced with was death or jail. I'm the kind of person when I don't like what's being presented I create a way out. I wasn't settling for either, sorry. I'm too fantastic of a person for my life to be a waste. When you're in transit, you never see how far you've traveled until you've gotten to your destination. But I pressed pause tonight and I acknowledged all that I have going on. Work. School. My new book. My social life. My birthday...

The thing that is draining me most is this book publishing process and my social life. Both a grueling and dreadful. I'm tired...I'm lonely and I'm lacking connection...and what do I do? Isolate myself my further. But this is nothing new to me. I've always been different from the crowd. I've never felt like I've had genuine connections with people...whatever.

I need to press F5 and see what happens...

but when I feel like this. It always brings the best out of me...so I guess it's happening this way for a reason.
But in all honesty I'm fuckin' over it. And I'm not going to sit up here and lie to myself about what I'm experiencing when I know damn well what it is.