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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

2.09.2011

Pausing Pressure Points

I've been here before and I remember what happened the last time I didn't stop. So I'll pause.

Out of know where, the job that I LOVED turned into a job that I don't much care for today. I work with a group of spazzers. I get it, but when I spazz, I tend to stay to myself, (like now) let the situation work it self out and then come back to the world like Tevin Campbell did in 1995. All of a sudden my work got more complex, my bosses are requiring me to operate over capacity and I'm already operating over capacity in other facets of my life. I feel the breakdown coming on.

I work from 8-5 daily. I'm in a dual educational program from 5-10 daily and on top of that I'm in production on a book.

I'm overloaded. I don't feel like doing anything.

Everyone at work loves me - they thank me for making things easy for them.
I get emails from people frequently telling me how much they appreciate my blog and my shows and how it helps them deal.

I can't say the same...Every day I come to the realization that it's just me and it has always been that way...since I was a kid. My mother was there - but she really wasn't. My Grandmother practically raised me, but she was old and wasn't "all the way there." It's always been me. It has always been me...And before I knew it, I was 8 running a household.

There are highlights of happiness. But it's not even temporary. It's like a split second...a tease. a flash of lightining in the sky.

I have no human contact...everything is twitter this, text that, bbm this. I'm not a robot.
People don't understand me...they understand Trent Jackson though.
I just need to cry.

Nothing makes me happy.

The Janet and Rahsaan songs have stopped working. Weed stopped working, so I stopped it. I've never been a drinker and I'm tired of eating.

I'll sit...and wait it out.

Hopefully when I get this sorted if that ever happens, I'll have a friend that I can talk to - other than my pending shrink and other than the people that come with their hand out. I'll have a book out. Love Will Never Do will be my favorite Janet song again. The twinkle in my eye will return when I hear Rahsaan sing Any Other Love...

I need help...
finding my zest for life again.

But I think it's gone...

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