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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

2.02.2011

Spazz Control 2.8 (lmfao) :-|

I'm thinking.

I have a tendency to over think. But I'm the kind of person that needs to know where I fit in, in the scheme of things so I can know how much to involve myself.

I'm shy. I'm guarded. I'm patient. I'm loyal. I'm empathetic. I'm understanding and helpful to a fault. I know what I want. I know what I expect and I know what I require. But it seems as if...

I know myself. WELL. I know I'm getting to that point where I need to shut myself off. People are getting on my last fuckin' nerves, they're taking my kindness for weakness, they are playing these games that I've played before, testing my patience, provoking me into enforcing boundary, etc. I just refuse to sit around and watch my intelligence or emotions be violated on any level. For me it's better to stop it before it starts...

I know myself. I've accomplished a lot. I'm successful. I've overcome - and I'm damn sure not trying to back track in aspects of my life. Last year at this time I was in a pretty bad space mentally. I had reached my wits in. The only two options I was faced with was death or jail. I'm the kind of person when I don't like what's being presented I create a way out. I wasn't settling for either, sorry. I'm too fantastic of a person for my life to be a waste. When you're in transit, you never see how far you've traveled until you've gotten to your destination. But I pressed pause tonight and I acknowledged all that I have going on. Work. School. My new book. My social life. My birthday...

The thing that is draining me most is this book publishing process and my social life. Both a grueling and dreadful. I'm tired...I'm lonely and I'm lacking connection...and what do I do? Isolate myself my further. But this is nothing new to me. I've always been different from the crowd. I've never felt like I've had genuine connections with people...whatever.

I need to press F5 and see what happens...

but when I feel like this. It always brings the best out of me...so I guess it's happening this way for a reason.
But in all honesty I'm fuckin' over it. And I'm not going to sit up here and lie to myself about what I'm experiencing when I know damn well what it is.

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