Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

3.29.2011

I guess, Girl.

  • Well, March is coming to a close. This was a great b.day month. Miami, The Bahamas, Janet, Rahsaan...progress on the production of my book. I have a lot to be thankful, grateful and proud of. I'm very blessed. Life hasn't always been this way.
  • You know...if I had channeled more energy into the true artist that I am....it's not too late.
  • My music reviews and interviews are classic...I'm going back to that.
  • Drugs have stolen a piece of my joy. I can admit that.
  • Someone needs to sit these young ass kids down and have a heart to heart. The generation behind me can still be reached. I remember what I needed in my early 20's and I need to give that back to someone who is willing to listen.
  • Get the message and ignore the messenger.
  • I am so tired of meeting these delusional, flaky, full of shit ass niggas who don't know if they want to be my friend or foe. Yeah, you like me, but you're not sure because I'm assertive and I'm not afraid to tell you about yourself, while putting myself on blast. I try to give people fair warning of what they're dealing with before they get involved...suit yourself weak ass nigga. I need someone with a backbone, personality and someone that has their own life. I have no time for epic failures on my team.
  • I am truly my mother and father's child.
  • I miss some parts of the old me...I used to be a little more social. You know what. I still I am. I'm just guarded and I only share my true self with those people who deem themselves worthy and capable and understanding the complete package.
  • You know. I used to get mad about a lot of things. I realize that now I am the example for a lot of people. I never really paid attention to that....But I realize that my call to serve is greater that what I imagined.
  • I need to pray more...I need to center myself more. I, just like everyone has a tendency to only pray and talk to God when things are wrong. But sometimes I do have my moments of praise. I just catch myself thanking God for life. For having food in my kitchen when I'm flat out broke! For having my rent paid, my cell phone on, internet on. The ability to communicate. The ability to hurt and grow from experiences.
  • I'm learning on how to interact with men better. Not having a father, does affect people whether people realize it or not.
  • Honestly, my silence, lack of blogging and recording my podcast (in which I enjoy doing - and I'm glad you guys like it) is because I've spending time reconciling my childhood with my present and working out all of the issues that I haven't dealt with, that have stifled me tremendously.
  • It's important to know what works for you and what doesn't.
  • I'm falling in love with myself.
  • When you're beat down most of your life, you start believing the negative things that people tell you.
  • By no means am I foolish. I see exactly what you're doing. I'm not telling you how to do my job so you can take it.
  • I looked in the mirror on sunday. I looked at myself and I finally felt attractive.
  • So one of my boss thought she was cute by emailing me "It shouldn't take more than 10 minutes to..." Of course she caught me with my guards off. So I email her back, "Well since you seem to have all the answers about how to manage my time and since you seem to have the delusional idea that you're the only one I report to, take the 10 minutes and complete it." - I have yet to get a response.
  • Fuck all graphic designers.
  • It's 3 in the morning. You know that I'm horny...
  • So. I can't deal with Larry Hoover flirting with me. He licked his lips at me. He doesn't know how close he came to getting his dick sucked today...that's how you reel them in. Next thing you know they're taking dick...it's all apart of my plan.
  • WHY AND THEEEEEEEEEEEEE FAWK is Raphel Saadiq still making records for his granny? Bitch the 60's and everything that came with is is over, with the exception of racism.
  • I had an enlightening exchange with my older sister who lives in Chicago. She and I haven't had a real relationship. Growing up I somehow knew that we would get close as we got older.
  • I can't be a big brother to my youngest sister, who I helped raise, if I'm not one to my older brother and sister.
  • I am the oldest...I have a 25 year old sister, a 22 year old brother and a 9 year old sister. I have to start setting a better exmaple on what a big brother should do and more importantly how a man should conduct himself while protecting, enhancing and challenging his family to be better people.
  • I'm someones uncle...wow. Thats crazy to me. It adds a little pressure...
  • For a long time I was afraid that I wouldn't find myself again. For 3 1/2 years, I was lost, high, depressed and an overall trainwreck. I thank God for the people placed in my path to shine a pinhole of light to ensure that I would come through the darkness and back into the light.
  • When fate catches up with your ass, aint nothin' you can do.

3.17.2011

Get Away...

  • I literally flew to L.A. for the day to prove a point. Bitch don't hold up thousands of my dollars, give me the run around, talk low key shit and think I'm going to be kick back about it. I might TALK A WHOLE BUNCHA SHIT, INCITE RIOTS AND SLING MUD, BUT BITCH DON'T FORGET I ALWAYS BACK UP WHAT THE FUCK I SAY! SAY SOMETHIN!!! Who's going to be the next bitch to be proven wrong?? OH OKAY.
  • So my birthday weekend was fantastic.
  • I can't wait for this weekend...
  • I REFUSE TO BE DENIED. I am real tired of bitches getting brand new attempting to act as if I don't exist when the records are there.
  • People would always be like "I'mma pray for you to stop being high. I need for you to stop doing drugs." Bitch, what you don't understand is that being high kept me from telling your ass a few things about yourself. I know me. I know that I'm direct, upfront and a straight up bitch. If thats what you want, then that's what you'll get! You can't handle a sober conversation with me, let alone a high one.
  • Do you. People will always have something fucked up to say, especially if you're doing something different from the masses.
  • People will always want to criticize while not giving you credit for the part that you play. But then you'll catch them trying to immolate you - watch them fail.
  • if your interaction with me isn't genuine, don't fuck with me. Thanks in advance!
  • Keep your prayers to your muthafuckin self. I don't know who the fuck you're praying to and what about. I will be fine.
  • Just because I've KNOWN you for 10 plus years, doesn't mean were real friends.
  • She tried that...now watch what I do.
  • If you thought that I was going to slow down and make it easy for you to jump on my train after I powered this shit alone, you better start thinking more clear.
  • Actually I like being sober. Being high made me nicer and being nice gets you no where. 
  • I know who has my back and I know who doesn't.
  • Because I'm assertive, doesn't mean that I'm mean. It just means that you're uncomfortable with me being myself and quite frankly that sounds personal.
  •  I have a low tolerance and an utter disdain for habitual linesteppers. And I'm not talking about people that dance either.
  • Most homosexuals can't, don't and won't deal with me because I don't dwell in a delusional fantasy world where Rihanna reigns supreme.
  • There is more to life than your sexual orientation.
  • I do what I want and I come and go as I please. I only answer to GOD. "Lets get that straight."
  • I live my life and I'm not bound by ridiculous standards of mediocrity and if you do, we can't be friends.
  • Gay people always ask me how to get straight male friends. My answer, stop making your gayness an issue and quit tryna suck they dick...let them scout you...lol. :-/
  • My favorite line is, "So you admit you just lied." Fucks peoples' world up everytime.
  • Don't say happy birthday to me a week later. Bringing it up will only irritate me...
  • I'm don't fuck with anyone who is always talking about Jesus/God told them....bitch God don't talk that much - and Jesus is dead.
  • If you didn't take advantage of it the first time I offered it...don't come hit me up asking to be down later. I don't do bulshitters remorse.
  • So in a meeting at work they were talking about all the previous office managers and their nicknames. One of the managers said, "I wonder what we'll say about you after you're gone." My response, that really doesn't matter because I know the roll I play and what I'll contribute - so the real issue will be how ineffective you are once I'm gone. #Ooop. Should I turn in my two week notice now or April 15th?
  • I know when it's time to leave. I never overextend my welcome. I bow out gracefully.
  • I know my worth and when it's not invested in or utilized properly, I must excuse myself.
  • I'm going to enjoy myself this weekend and prepare myself to release this book that you all have been patiently waiting for. I genuinely appreciate those that are interested and get my work and what I contribute. I'm just that kid from L.A. that's been through and overcome some shit just like everyone else. I just speak about it and I'm in touch with it. I used to sit in my room listening to 90's R&B doing the things that made me happy...that was creating stories that people can learn from and relate to. Thanks very much for allowing me to share. Have a great weekend...see you when I get back into the country.

3.16.2011

2.9 Landing

late in the midnight hour.
up aimless.
thinking about all the things...
i need to do.
to make happen...
but it's pointless.
can't focus.
can't concentrate...
don't know what to do
first
last
how to make it work

funny how when your mind is clear
you don't know what to do
when i was high
i seemingly had all of the answers
that worked
to patch
fix
a temporary solution
to a permanent
but fixable problem.

in between
balance and assertion
anger and happiness.

rahsaan.sy.lalah.avery on replay
nothing is happening anyway.

i guess when it hits me it will hit me.

just yesterday i was inspired to do all these great things
today i found the energy that's kept me captive for
the last 4 years.

i feel something big about to happen.
epic
nothing bad.
i feel like the old is coming to an end.
ushering in an era that will benefit me
my dreams
my goals
my aspirations...

i'll let the music play
not making a false move
so i wont be taken down.

i see whats getting ready to happen.
i wont force it.
i'll let it happen.
I already have a backup plan...

sometimes I wonder why i can't be normal.
why i get bored so easily.
why i'm so selective
why i'm so moody
why i like what i do...

then i realize it's just me...
a spark of so many things...

it's time to ignite the fire again.

3.15.2011

Walking...

  • I don't understand why the cute boys have to be Libra's. Yeah. I do. Cute boys ain't shit and neither are Libra's.
  • Gossip gossip nigga just stop it! Every body knows im a mothafuckin monster!
  • When you set a trap for others you only set a trap for yourself.
  • It's always good to see people return to their core. Particularly after watching them go through hell and almost death. Talking to him made me cry. He was pure. He was honest. He was connected. He was the person I remember. The person I first met. He was himself.
  • Hopefully I can get my netflix DVD before my plane takes off.
  • It's all good. I'll be respected for who I am and what I contribute. 
  • What really gets on my nerves is a bitch that wants to jump on the bandwagon after the work has already been completed. I'm good.
  • At this point in the game I know what WORKS and WHAT DOESN'T. I'm not afraid to tell you either. 
  • Some people are just stuck in their misery and bitterness. Leave them there.
  • I was thinking about how my life was when I lived in L.A. Who I was, who my friends were. My goals...funny how none of that even matters anymore, like it once did. 
  • Honestly we stopped being friends because I didn't want to be in your 3some and you were shady...
  • I'm a private person - and even though I have a "public life" that doesn't give you the right to overstep your boundary.
  • A colleague once called me the "Kelly Rowland" of publishing, insinuating that I always have a book coming out, that never comes out. That bothered me...but I'm okay with that comment now. It's not something I harbor anymore, I'll expound on this in my last point.
  • Where are they now?
  • I speak the truth - and I know it isn't for everyone.
  • Why do people try to shoot down stars who had their 15 minutes of fame 20 years ago? Janet Jackson, Madonna, Whitney Houston, etc are all still relevant -without them...You're not gonna sell out stadiums and go platinum every time they release some shit. "Fame is now, talent is forever" or eternal....
  • The older I get, the more I appreciate my family, my mother in particular. I understand her a lot more and while I don't excuse some of the things that she did, I know why she did them. That's more important. I got the lesson. She was the very first person to teach me life. Through her, I learned that you can't trust everyone, people are always going to have something to say (good and bad), everyone isn't going to be there to support you...I love her for that. It's made things easy for me as an adult. Especially working for the Federal Government.
  • People should be more fuckin' grateful. If your punk ass friend tells you they've booked and paid for a hotel room for you and you get there to find out that it's not paid for while you're looking tossed and driven needing someone else to pay for it, the least you can do is say thank you and look the person in the eye while saying it and after that, you need to upgrade yourself and find a new set of fuckin' friends. PERIOD.
  • I can't stand an opportunist user...
  • I know guilty crafty person when I see one. I'm not done.
  • If you're costing me more that what you're giving...#ItsNotGoingToWork
  • I think I will start doing music reviews again soon.
  • I depend on myself...I need others, I do...but if you're draining me...
  • The older you get, the less you want to deal with people and their shit.
  • I'm doing me.
  • I will still tour Japan one day...Tokyo is on my radar.
  • Life is all about choices and you don't always make the right ones...you don't have to repeat your mistakes.
  • It's important to acknowledge others.
  • It's important to reflect...
  • Shutting the fuck up and listening is uberly important.
  • A big weight has lifted off of me when I dropped that class. I can focus on the other classes that I do enjoy.
  • One thing I despise is a liar. My professor was talking all of this big shit about who he is and what he's done...didn't even know that "we" work for the same federal agency...name not even listed in the global directory...
  • While I understand you realize and value my resourcefulness - ask me politely, be grateful, learn and use me wisely...not out of greed.
  • cgtyson "Word to the wise: Avoid mediocrity at all costs."
  • Some people don't know what to do with affection, but I give it anyway. It's who I am and they'll always remember the part that I played to enhance their life. You can't deny the truth...even if you never admit it out loud, your mind will do it for you.
  • I win no matter what. No matter how long it takes, no matter what I go through...I win. 
  • You don't have to be shrew, callous, hardhearted in order to get what you want out of life. You certainly don't have to change who you are or sacrifice your principles. But you do have to be tough in the pursuit of a better life.
  • "Don't run so fast, you might fall on glass."
  • I got in my company car yesterday and turned on the radio and "Walking" by Mary Mary was on. I was moved to tears at the simple message. For such a long time I chased the wrong thing and danced to everyone elses tune about what I was doing, when i realized there is nothing wrong with walking and taking your time to achieve goals...It reminded me that I was on the right track no matter who's doing what and what's going on around me.

3.14.2011

Pop Life, The Story Behind the Story. Lite

It was 2006 and I was on the phone talking to Malcolm. Malcolm is that guy that you shouldn't have attempted to date or fuck because he was better off as a friend. I hold him in a high regard. I love him. We understand each other. I'd like to think that he and I have a connection no one else has...He hasn't been the best friend - but who is? One thing that he is, is loyal. That can never, ever be denied.

I first met him in 2005 when I was promoting my first novel, "At This Moment." I was at club "Metro," one of Ivan Daniel's, (thee L.A. [gay] Party Promoter) Wednesday night parties back when it was hosted at the "Here Lounge."  Malcolm was with a few celebrities, I was solo. Ivan was helping me promote my book at the time and he made sure that I went to every single party that I needed to be at and to make sure I met all of the right people and that particular Wednesday there was someone I needed to meet. Without the specifics, I was introduced to the very popular gay-friendly author who Malcolm was with. I didn't care for the author too much because he blew me off and never made eye contact. I took it personal and chopped it up to a few things. But in hindsight it was my first real lesson in dealing with a celebrity.

Malcolm and I made eye contact and it was intense. He was handsome out of stratosphere. But he shook my hand, rolled his eyes and hit it. :-) Should have been a sign right? I got in my truck and went home shortly after that. I was grieving the death of my cousin who has like a sister, I was dating an idiot. The last thing I needed was to be introduced to some assholes. I got in my truck, turned on some Rahsaan Patterson and hit it. This was before my weed smoking days. Mind you at this point I was 23. Boy was I young. So  much has changed.

I still thought Malcolm was fine and I didn't forget him.

The summer of 2005, I went on tour to promote my book. The 4th of July weekend, I did my very first author panel at L.A. Black Gay Pride. Shortly after the authors went downstairs to the vending area of the hotel to sign & sell our books. As I set up, I see Malcolm. Mind you I hadn't seen this clown since March when he and his author friend shaded me. Hmph. So he came up to me and started talking.

"Hey! I remember you. How are you? What's your name again?"
"Trent. Malcolm."
"Damn you remembered my name? Now I feel bad."
"You rolled your eyes at me. Plus you were cute. Lasting Impression." I said blandly.

We went over the small talk - he bought my book and we talked the rest of the day. It was one of those conversations you have and you just know that no matter what that you and the person will be good friends for life.

He was living L.A. that weekend to go back to Atlanta where he lived.

Sunday night he called me and insisted that we hang out before his flight left. We met up at Roscoes and talked more. I was really into him. Like, overload. Before we left, he asked me to find a place that made keys. I told him no problem, because in L.A. you just have random key makers in booths all around town.

We found a location, he hopped out my truck and got his keys made. As I sat there and waited, I watched him walk off. I liked him - but I wasn't going to show that, just in case he didn't like me back or even see me in that way. Another thing I liked about him is that he was older - 10 years older, but he still looked like he was in his late 20's.

When he got back in the truck he looked at me and said, "The blue one is for my apartment in New York and the Green one is for the condo in Atlanta. You use them whenever you need to."

We went back and forth about him giving me his keys like that. But I took them and I still have them to this day...they always work.

As time went on he and i talked on the phone practically every day. He flew me out to D.C. for the very first time in 2006. I knew when I visited then, I had to live in this city.

That weekend in 2006 - I learned a lot. Things that you just keep in the books. Blueprints. Knowledge if you will.

As we got closer I saw how the industry started to wear on him. The things that it did to him. His drug use, his relationships, his friendships. Just the way he changed. I never judged him. I continued being a friend.

One day in 2006 before his use got heavier, he said, "You should write a book about being gay and famous." I insisted he help me write it. I didn't know that, that conversation would lead to my own experiences and actually writing a book about being gay and noteable. While I was experiencing my own successes, popularity, etc he was right there beside me...in a sense he did help write it.

In 2007, prior to experiencing my growing pains and prior to my book tour for "Full Circle," I was leaving Century City and Rahsaan Patterson's song "Stars" off his "Wine & Spirits" CD came on. As I was thinking about Malcolm and his struggles and a few of my other celebrity friends struggles, Rahsaan's song hit me like a ton of bricks. It was my blueprint for my new book, "Pop Life."

A few weeks after hearing that song I was on my second stop for my "Full Circle" book tour. It was New York City. That solidified so many things for me. It was epic. It was the greatest moment and greatest failure in my life. I'll talk about that later. But that trip began my writing process for Pop Life. A process that has lasted 4 years.

I can't wait to share the book with you...

3.13.2011

Happy New Year Bitches!!!! 2.9 on These hoes!

  • I haven't had anything to say in a minute. Sometimes you have to be still - and understand whats going on within you and around you.
  • Today is my 29th birthday...It's a new year! A new me. I don't celebrate the new year on January 1st. I always do it on my birthday.
  • I saw Rahsaan Patterson last week! I love and admire him very much. It was the perfect start to my birthday month. 
  • I can't wait till the 22nd so I can see Janet!
  • I'm glad my birthday fell on a Sunday. Sunday has always been my "me" day...so it's perfect. Two of my closest friends in D.C. took me out last night - I appreciated it much. I've been going through a lot lately.
  • I finally had birthday sex at 4 a.m. this morning when I tipped in from my drunken night on the town. I put it down...I hadn't had sex since January. I know he wasn't expecting all that he got..he's probably somewhere right now trying to figure out what the hell happened.
  • Why must people bore me with the details of their bleak lives. I don't care. I don't fuckin' call you or tell you what I'm doing every minute of the fuckin' day. Bitch.
  • Never trust a man that drives a yellow car. Especially an X-Terra. Where they do that at?
  • 4 more days until I leave the country!
  • Phase II starts April 1st.
  • So the people at work participated in an epic failure of a birthday lunch for me. Some of those people act like the biggest fuckin babies on the planet - and I don't like them anymore...the wrong thing to do is turn me off. I take cold to a whole new level. You don't understand how cool I am until I ignore you.
  • I'm excited about my literary career again...
  • The truth of the matter is when you're numb and in pain, you're exactly that. You can't do anything, but you feel everything.
  • This week has been nothing less than chaotic...I will not talk about my book anymore publicly until it's off the printers conveyor belt.
  • Managing 5 gay black men for this project has been the most difficult thing I've probably ever done in my life, but it's training ground nonetheless.
  • It's funny how people will flirt, but when you make shit real they wanna fall back....uh huh. #NiggaPlease
  • And what's up with people lying about shit? I thought we were done with that.
  • That look on your face when you realize that you fucked up an opportunity...#Priceless
  • I really hate when people over involve themselves in my life. Why don't you take a fuckin' hint before I have to hurt your feelings.
  • My birthday is not a public event.
  • My manager and my attorney made my birthday this year. So did my Mom and Uncle. 
  • You're already fighting a loosing battle by being a black male...but you can win though.
  • I'm tired of these married men tryna get they dick sucked.
  • I believe that everyone would try [or thought about] a same sex experience once...or more. Black men just can't say that shit out loud. I get DL men, but i'm not with deception of your wife and children...wait till you're divorced for that. And please let that not be the cause. And please don't include me in on that shit. I have enough dramatic episodes of my own.
  • Family is a fancy word for people and people let you down. The only difference is, when shit really hits the fan your family is the only people that will sustain you.
  • Patron kills any bacteria growing in your stomach. Every time I eat at the Birchmere I get sick...it's gotta be that sauce.
  • He got mad because I didn't fuck him. Now he doesn't want to be friends. I don't get it.
  • Gays are a trip and they haven't even been around the world. If I come at you with respect, you run. But if I treat you like a hoe you wanna fall in love. These reprobate minds I tell you.
  • I'm old school, there is nothing better than a phone call from a person saying Happy Birthday.
  • I lead by example.
  • The older you get, the less you have to say. Your tolerance for bullshit depletes. 
  • I don't like people who force themselves upon me...I don't like pressed people, hanger on's and those who have nothing better to do but ask me a whole bunch of personal questions.
  • So my "Public" Facebook has been inundated with b.day wishes. I appreciate them wholeheartedly. But some of them muthafuckas know damn well they don't like and can't stand me...so why be fake? Just carry on with that fake shit by yourself.
  • I love my mother - the older I get the more I realize her good intentions. She's a very misunderstood person, we are actually a lot alike. 
  • I don't enjoy daylight savings time whatsoever. 
  • I think I will drop that class, I just found out I don't need it to graduate...
  • So, 6 Shots of Patron, 1 #TigerBlood and 1 Malibu & Pineapple = a obnoxious, belligerent, cantankerous homosexual named Trent Jackson. More to come soon.