Me

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Read my blog, listen to my shows, read my books...then you'll know me. Thanks.

4.27.2011

The Strike Down

  • Wait, did I really come to work commando today?
  • So we had a fire alarm at work today. As everyone scurried and left the suite my boss looks at me and says, "You're the office manager, you're in charge. You're the last person to leave. Make sure everyone gets out." Bitch I had my Forever 21 Men's Bag tricks in hand and was out the door before her.
  • I wonder if anyone noticed....It was a promo tool for http://www.trenttheartist.com/ bookmark that shit!
  • Today is Administrative Professionals Day. The group of people that run the organization and never get acknowledged. You would think someone said something to me today? Hmph. One of my co-workers did. And because I'm on my period, I almost cried. That was nice of her - and she treated me to lunch. Thanks #Tanya
  • The truth of the matter is someone always acknowledges. It will always be one person, the person you least expect.
  • God Always sends a messenger...the one you least expect and judge the most.
  • Sometimes she really gets on my muthafuckin last reserve nerve. I wish she would carry her ass to a psychotherapist. If she starts any of that bullshit with me while I'm in L.A. I'm going smooth off. I'm going to write a nasty gram and leave that shit for her to read. She is a bully. A 50 year old grown ass bully who doesn't take responsibility for shit. She never has and never will. I'm so tired of dealing with her.
  • People will always have something to say.
  • I keep forgetting #Taurus is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay younger than me.
  • The summer is among us. These muthafuckin 18 year old boys are walking around with their wife beaters and cargo shorts on at 7 in the morning, with frothy loins trying to entrap me. I can see yall little young niggas looking at me behind my shade(s). I fell for that trick last summer. Well he was 20, but it's all the same to me. 
  • My manager is one person that will give me food for thought while I'm spazzing.
  • Speaking of 18 year olds, they know exactly what they want. My hot ass was too afraid, but I wanted an older man to break me off. 11 Years later, I'm still waiting. But not really. 
  • I just can't...But now that I actually look 30, they will stop bothering me.
  • I still have no clue when people are flirting with me. I like obvious, but subtle drops. I guess I come on too strong when I flirt back?
  • People really don't know how to place me...calm on the surface, storm on the inside. It's a Pisces thing. It also explains why people never take me serious. Hmph.
  • The body makes commitments whether we want to or not...This is why I'm very particular on the people I fuck. I'm an addict and I can't be getting hooked on shit I can't have whenever I want it. Lets keep it all the way real.
  • I need to loose 10 pounds before I get on this flight tomorrow.
  • ALL of my bosses are back at work this week. Aint none of them bitches shit. 
  • Have you read This?
  • I'm devastated. I got the biggest reality check. I can't write it, but next week on the Season 9 Premier of "In The Mix With Trent"  I will tell all!!!!
  • Three years after the fact, a publicity stunt would have been going to rehab, not faking my own demise. **Eye Roll** I can't wait till I release Pop Life to set that record straight. I know some people haven't forgot, I lived it. I'm going to talk about it before one of these messy fags try and bring up in an interview or something...
  • Looks like I'm going to be the one to explain death to my sister. But I don't think I want to take her to the funeral. This has been one of my biggest fears...explaining death to her. I'm just glad it wasn't one of her parents.
  • That nigga know damn well he's lying about living in D.C. I wish he would just come clean already. I'm not dumb.
  • I've said it before, drugs have suppressed me greatly. All these people "praying" for me to get off drugs...well I'm off!!! Trust me, you won't be able to handle me...drugs made me more manageable. But I believe in giving people what they want...the full frontal, the full monty.
  • Actually I like sobriety...clear and clean thinking.
  • Being smoked out had to happen...it's a part of the story. It's a part of progress...
  • The bottom line is people get mad when you don't have a lot of responsibility and you come and go as you please. Bitch make better choices and treat people right and you can get like me!
  • Yeah, you may be more popular, sold a lot more books, have lunch with power fags but the big picture is, I didn't have to fuck my way around to get where I was going, I didn't compromise myself to get noticed and my books are still 14.00 a pop while yours are available for .90 cent...new. Sit down girl.
  • It pays to be nice....
  • God knows exactly what he's doing.
  • We're all being monitored.
  • The Truth will always prevail....
  • WHAT AND THEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE FAWK? REALLY? So because you want your child to be better and have greater opportunities, you get arrested and go to Jail? Yes...READ THIS. This is some foul, ass backwards, fucked off ass shit! Why aren't people using money to prosecute real crimes? I'm telling you, it's time to get armed in this muthafucka.
  • Beyonce is about to brainwash yall again...isn't her time up yet? We need someone new...she's washed out.
  • I've laid low long enough.
  • Lets see how long I can stay sober this time...maybe a summer boyfriend may fall in my lap. REAL MEN AND GOOD MEN DO NOT WANT A WEED HEAD AS THEIR BOYFRIEND. I don't give a fuck what they tell you....I know what they SHOWED ME
  • And anyway two weed heads in a relationship is not gonna work, that is extreme and utter chaos.
  • He tried that! Nigga I put in the work for that and you jumped on the train, where the fuck in my shot gun!? Hanger on ass nigga.
  • Weed had me in a 4 year fog.
  • I really can't deal with people who have no goals or ambition in life. If you ever ask anyone what they want to do in life and they say "I don't know" run for the hills and leave their asses right there. It's sad that they have no direction, but it's not your job to come in with a cape and save a hoe. Cause when you do that, guess what? You're putting yourself on hold for them. Next thing you know you'll be looking in the mirror, brushing your hair saying, "I give you 11 fuckin years of my life and you're telling me you're leaving me for a white woman?!"
  • Don't get mad because I can genuinely connect with people. It's a part of the magic. Just enjoy it...experience it.
  • The old way of doing things no longer work. It's way past time to retire the old and allow yourself to flourish in the new.
  • If you've never been addicted to drugs, I don't expect for you to understand my process.
  • The perv at work brought his daughter in to work today. She's such a sweet little girl...
  • I'm soooooo waiting for the opportunity to channel her on a date!
  • He better not try to slide his dick in me either. I don't play that shit. Tongues only nigga!!!
  • Oh, by the way. I say what I mean and mean what I say. Good Day!

4.20.2011

Girl. Fcuk you.

  • I knew it was a beautiful mistake.
  • I'm not fuckin' with that. I've been there, done that and got several souvenirs. Nothing is appealing to me about a man that lives his life with women that wants to get sucked off and fucked by me.
  • And whats up with texting me 5 months after I initially had sex with you? Really? It took you that long to gather yourself? Or is it your main jump off is unavailable...but wait, really? You kept my number after 5 months...and clearly you know I don't live in L.A., hence my area code. Whatever...But don't think I'm not gonna fuck again on my L.A. trips this year. I was the "first" guy he allegedly slept with. Boys lie about that too. 
  • Once this one man told me to go easy, he had never been fucked, but just loved my dick. I stuck my dick in his as...actually it slipped in. NO WALLS. Let me get my purse and go Miss. Lady.
  • #Taurus annoys me and I'm over it.
  • I'm starting to think that the single life is for me...but against it because most people in my family are and I don't want to be anything like them, yet I'm like them in so many ways.
  • TAYMAR BRAXTON.
  • I smoke weed daily. I'm so not interested in getting high on 4/20.
  • I'm an adult. That's why I know what works for me and what doesn't.
  • In my office I'm apart of an old regime that many of the people in the office are used to and slowly letting go of....Either I adapt the change or leave. I know when it's time to exit. I can't really get down with people trying to micromanage me on the low.
  • I work in IT. One of my co-workers said that he was going to quit and hack in to everyone in America's bank account and steal 1 penny from each of them...talk about a come up.
  • My black boss will be back at work tomorrow. Black Bitch.
  • I really wish I was more focused...and didn't do everything at the last fuckin' minute.
  • I was inspired by LaToya Jackson (who by the way is playing theeee fawk outta all those bitches on that show) and her Australian gold theme. My balcony at home is real bland. Nothing is out there. And since the summer is coming and I spend a lot of time at home, I figured that I'd "showtime synergy" it out and transform it into some beach them or something festive. I want astro turf, some of those snobbish exotic plants, bamboo, some of those cute string lights and I can't forget the 125 bags of sand. I'll keep you posted.
  • It's always the lesser of the two evils.
  • I was having a conversation with some guy the other day and the subject of anal sex came up. He couldn't believe that I'm a 29 year old homosexual that's never been penetrated. I don't understand why that's so hard to believe. He's 32 and he's never been fucked, (yet). I'm not the one to just let some random man run up in me. To be honest, being gay is built (if not based) on a series of one night stands that never really add up to anything. So for me to just let some nigga stick his dick inside of me and never talk to him again...really? Wake the fuck up. I may just be naive or old fashion or whatever...hell delusional even. But you can't fuck me if I can't track you down later. Besides. I'm saving that for my mate. 
  • And besides, the body makes commitments whether you want to or not.
  • I still can't believe he called my hair a Jheri Curl. WTF!? He tried that shit...and it was duly noted. I'm assuming he was trying to get back at me for saying he was emotionally unavailable. Hmph. The truth is the truth, but my hair is not a Jheri Curl.
  • Apparently It wasn't time for me to retire this blog as I thought it was. There were a few blank entries that were being counted as official blogs. After I deleted them, I saw that I owed this 6 year old site at least 11 more entries before that ever happens. **SIGH** Have you seen my new website though? It's mellow. But bookmark that muthafucka. That will out last this.
  • No job could ever pay me enough to sell out my dreams.
  • It's like the pot calling the kettle black...
  • A lot of people in my family are mad at me because no job could pay me enough to sell out my dreams. Furthermore, no person can make me sell out my dreams either. As a matter of fact, circumstance can't make me sell out my dreams either.
  • Sometimes God strips you of everything, not to punish you, but to show you your own strength, where your help is coming from and who your real friends are. I can count one hand who has my back when it comes down to me being broke, depressed without shit to call my own.
  • When I first moved to D.C. I lived near 2nd & Rhode Island N.W. I really liked the Blackness of the neighborhood and the Howard kids doing their thing. 6 months later I moved to Connecticut Ave NW past the D.C. Zoo. Living up here has created the biggest false sense of security. I recently went to visit my old neighborhood. I was so out of my element...especially walking back to the train station. I've walked those same streets at 1 a.m. fearless, now here I am at 11 p.m. going back uptown scared of getting robbed. Bitch I need to quit playing and move my ass back to the hood so I won't get shit twisted. I'm still a nigga.
  • I really hate people standing over me, watching me do something. Sit your ass down somewhere!
  • I can't believe it's been 6 years since she's been dead. I didn't realize I was grieving all of that time either.
  • She sassed me. She absolutely tried that. While her delivery was swift, with flawless effort. She failed. Just when she thought it was a defeat, I pulled out the dagger and stabbed her back. Smiling.
  • I always win. I treat people right. I'm honest and I have the ability to admit where I'm wrong.
  • I can not stand by and watch children suffer. Ever. 
  • Every office has a ghetto worker. In fact, the 5th floor of my building is referred to as "Iverson Mall" and or "Marlow Heights"You should see the person that greets you as soon as you step out of the elevator doors.
  • I have a social disorder. The inability to be fake. I do believe in being cordial tho.
  • Speaking of 4:20 (4/20) muthafuckas who don't even smoke are promoting this shit. WTF? Girl. Fcuk you and sit down some damn where.
  • "Cute" boys ain't shit. Never were, never will be.
  • Considering my past. I'm blessed.
  • While were on the subject of "cute" boys - they are a different, special kind of crazy. That Halle Berry, half-breed crazy. Let me stop while I'm ahead. I don't want to offend no body. I've lost friends behind making comments as such.
  • I am convinced that Aaron McGruder based @UNCLE_RUKUS on Jesse Lee Peterson http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesse_Lee_Peterson
  • It is necessary to bend the rules. Guidelines...
  • Today someone asked me, "Why aren't you on stage somewhere?" Didn't have an answer really. But I'm not one of those people that will go their whole lives saying, "I wish I would have..." The time is coming and soon. I've been working up to the point.
  • I am real funny acting. I know myself too well for you to try to read me and tell me what I already know. I tried to tell you. You didn't listen and now you found out the hard way.
  • I hate saying this out loud - and admitting this. But my best working experience was when my boss was a white dude. I take that back, men in general. Well. Older black men. Working for a black woman presents a whole of problems, especially if she can't control you. Working for a Black man under 50 poses problems because he see's you as a threat and also wants to control you. I'll have to sit down and draw this out on a piece of paper. Who knows, it may be a book. I've had a lot of corporate experience...
  • I really don't like people directing unwarranted curse words at me. That is the quickest way for me to not deal with you and pull all the way back. You know, I don't expect people to think like I do, but I do expect for you to have common courtesy. When I'm in a foul mood or going through something I either stay my ass at home or give people warning. I'm not going to just subject them to my nasty attitude especially when they had nothing to do with it. That muthafuckin' #LarryHoover had the nerve to curse at me. I was like...**PAUSE** After all of the arguing I did for you to get that promotion...based on your merit, you wanna take some shit out on me? My mom did that once and she's still paying for it to this day. You may wanna watch who you cross. You never know who's rooting for you or working behind the scenes on your behalf.
  • Very proud of my buddy! @JumataEmill on the release of his new book, "Never Dead" checkout his website and order the book! It's good so far...

4.11.2011

Old Fashioned Mondays...

  • Today is my sisters 9th birthday. I wonder if she knows how much she means to me...Happy Birthday Kid. You'll read this one day. Know that your crazy brother loves you and don't mind the subsequent statements. I'm just doing me.
  • Fuck the federali's! I just knew I was going to be sprawled out on someones beach today, thoroughly luxuriating with a fruity drink with the umbrella in it. They just had to upstage my unofficial vacation by signing a budget agreement. Whatever. 
  • It was high traffic in the restroom at work this morning. I've never seen all of the stalls full...and that smell. They either sold their ass to Satan or had some bad breakfast.
  • I think I'll touch up on my plastic surgery this week while I'm in L.A.
  • Speaking of L.A. I'm excited about going...looking forward to hanging with the kid.
  • I'm also looking forward to some familiar DI....lets see how quick I can line them up. Plural. I don't get it in D.C. like I do in L.A. There is something soothing about familiar dick. Even though I don't take it...
  • So I went to The Park At 14th Friday night to hear the homie Rahsaan do his thing. While there I was spotted by an OPM investigator (Office of Personnel Management). Very weird seeing other Government staff outside of work, especially when they are nothing like their work persona, especially when they remember you, but call you someone elses name. I'm the same dry bitch all of the time. lol...
  • Some dude that was trying to date my momma called me dry. I was in the driveway of the house one day, he drove by and waved, I didn't wave back...lol. Classic me.
  • I folded my laundry from two weeks ago...
  • Where is Taurus? I haven't seen him in over 3 days.
  • I saw this fine ass dude at The Park. I knew he was a gay...I wasn't going to speak, because you gay people get real weird when someone is being nice. Like, I like to suck dick, but just because I'm being nice doesn't mean I want to suck yours. Besides that, it was a rough week. My fro was up, I looked a mess, I hadn't shaved and my outfit was crazy and I hadn't had my botox injections so I was sweating every fuckin' where. It happened to be his birthday, he and his friends were nice. I wasn't trying to fuck. I've been in this conservative town for 1 year. It's time I start being more social and I need more people to hangout with. Someone of my caliber should have tons of friends! It should always be a party where I am. I'm an amazing person. I don't think he got that. Plus he's probably use to people throwing themselves at him...I'm not the one. I'm from L.A. there are people that look like him all around. He's an Aries...I just have to keep in mind and what that means. Plus I think he was with the guy...either way they are both fun and I like them all. #OrangeShirt
  • After I read @BlackSexMaster's latest post, it made sense.
  • You may not think it, but I'm a completely different person in person.
  • I don't know why and the fuck I was up last night thinking about my ex...the greatest (yet the worst) ex ever. The one that I loved out of deep insecurity. Clearly we're over it...The truth is you never stop thinking about someone that played such an integral part in your life. Even it was drama.Who the fuck am I fooling? I still love him. The shit is sick, I need to let it go.
  • I'm seriously into building friendships. Gay men don't get that. Even if I do flirt...It's a part of my nature. The bottom line is, if I fuck you without getting to know you, I'll treat you like a slut.
  • If you're trying to get to know someone, never give them your twitter account. They will never do any research on why you tweet crazy shit...and they'll always use it against you, instead of asking you directly.
  • I'm getting excited about doing "In The Mix With Trent," again...
  • I'm gonna need for people to stop throwing themselves in front of the train at the Bethesda stop! I'm already late to work, I don't need you aiding their agenda to get rid of me...and besides no one wants to be brought into your death match. Watch it lady!!! And the next time you're feeling some kinda way and don't want to go to work, stay your monkey ass at the house with that shit!! Or call me, I'll give you a few reasons not to off yourself.
  • Speaking of people wanting you gone, LaToya Jackson tried that last night on Apprentice. That bitch knew what she was doing #Strategy like a muthafucka. Nene was mad because she didn't think of it first.
  • I'm addicted to Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper Chips.
  • I love that my bosses will be gone this week...
  • DL Boys, the ones that appear to be tops always end up sucking and taking dick.
  • Speaking of sucking and taking, my co-worker (the one who the OPM investigator was investigating) told me about how his friend called him to tell him a story. My co-workers friend was waiting on his wife to come and pick him up from the metro stop. She didn't show up and as time progressed he just ended up going home. Quite naturally he kept calling and calling with no avail. She finally rolled in, looking wore out. She basically said her phone died, she ran out of gas and was tired, so she was going to bed. While she was sleeping the husband said she was sweating, snoring and shaking - he knew something wasn't right. So he looked in her purse and found handcuffs, anal lube (what brand cause I need some..) and this! I'm done...I need to get some of this bitches tips.
  • I didn' realize I was still grieving until after I wrote "Pop Life."
  •  Since I didn't sell a piece of ass (literally) to that man for a job at that magazine, I just took on the character in Pop Life. It was the same thing. I research and live each one of my characters...That is what artistry is. living the experience...living the material. Creativity allows us to share it. That is the difference. anyone can be creative. 
  • Once I finish reading "Pop Life," I'll sign off on it. It's a very emotional book. I put it down and come back to it...It's a lot. I started reading it again Sunday morning and put it down because I started crying.
  • I'm very blessed. I live an amazingly rich life.
  • I know one thing. If you don't read and support my shit, how the fuck do you expect for me to subscribe to your shit and understand your art? Stop playing  yourself.
  • In high school my friend and I loved the Scream Movies...it's only fitting that I'll be in L.A. this weekend  to view the new Scream with my same friend at the same theater we saw the previous three movies at.
  • I regret to this day rejecting that boy like that. It's been 10 years and I'll never forget him coming to my dorm room that night and saying to me, "If I told you I was gay, what would happen in this room right now?" I replied "Nothing." And that's all it ever was.

4.07.2011

Showtime Synergy: Phase II

  • So....how did you enjoy the premier episode for "The Midnight Meltdown?"
  • "Martyr's are nothing more than control freaks with great PR."
  • I am uberly disgusted with these airlines and their prices. I have never paid over $500 for a plane ticket home (L.A.)
  • I decided I'm making a surprise visit for my sisters 9th birthday. If I can travel to all of these exotic places just to relax and get drunk then most certainly I'll do what has to be done to ensure she has a great birthday.
  • Just when you think you're winning it almost, always feels like you're starting to lose.
  • There are things that my mother is ineffective at. Planning birthdays and parties is one of them. She is the sole reason why I have historically hated my birthday. She always found a way to fuck it up. Whether it was her yelling at me and promptly dismissing me at my 5th birthday for crying and throwing a tantrum (I thought I was supposed to win "Pin the tail on the Donkey" because it was my b-day) or her not doing what she said she was going to do for other birthdays...my sister will not go through that. She's already been through enough. Someone has to make it easier for this child -since all the adults in her life seem to complicate everything.
  • Everything was criticized, nothing was praised except for all things wrong.
  • People don't like being made responsible for their actions. This is why I force them.
  • I'm hella nervous about going on book tour and resuming my podcast, "In The Mix With Trent."
  • While I appreciate the professionalism of people with "people" (agent, managers, etc) If I send you an email asking to call me directly and you're having manager still do your talking...it's going to start irritating me after a while. But it reminds me that "It's business."
  • Truth be told, I haven't felt like recording a show. My delivery isn't back yet, which is why I elected to launch the Midnight Meltdown shows first. It's less talking, more music. But the music can get tricky sometimes too.
  • I recently looked at myself in the mirror and felt attractive. I've battled with my weight and insecurity issues...and still dealing with them, but I finally saw something I've never really seen before.
  • I don't want you to ever forget that I am a professional and classically trained journalist. I create, write and produce on deadlines...this applies to all aspects of my life. I'm best under pressure.
  • I could really take my job more seriously. I have a tendency to get laxed when I'm effective and efficient at work...but it's nice to know that my efforts are appreciated and they don't go completely unnoticed.
  • Did I tell you I'm over dating?
  • What do you do when you get bored with life? Go on vacation.
  • There is this asshole at work. I've talked about him before. The one that I've had to talk to on several occasions about his level of competence and his lack of customer service. Right. So last week I was sick with a sinus infection and decided to stay at home. I don't know what illicit substance he was on that made him feel comfortable enough to start rummaging through my office and desk drawers looking for a "sim card" but the email that the entire office got...Mmmmhmmm. It's important to establish boundary.
  • I think I'm only going to post about 5 more official blogs for this site. I wanted to stop blogging here a long time ago, but I think now is the time. I've been blogging on this site for 6 years. My new site will be fully operational soon.
  • I vowed to myself that I would do 1000 posts and then retire. I'm pushing 1100. It's time to create a new space.
  • I'm a control freak, but I have no problem relinquishing control to the right people and for the right reasons.
  • I've been going through a situation as it pertains to my "Trent Jackson" personnel. I have decided not to talk about this issue until Season 9 of "In The Mix With Trent," which resumes in May.
  • You know I was excited about rekindling my relationship with my fathers other child. But after my Grandmother called me with a tone I didn't too much care for pertaining to a conversation I had with my sister (my fathers other child) I was instantaneously over it. I mean, you're grown. Why and the FAWK do you need to run to people giving them privy to a personal conversation? Call me when you grow up.
  • I'm a little too hard, emotional and have the tendency to take things personally.
  • I talked to three of my cousins last weekend. I needed that. We don't talk enough, but we are closer than our parents.
  • It bothers me to the core that my sister already has some of the same emotional issues I do. She's barely 9 and already feels that no one loves her. My mom told me that. It stopped me dead in my tracks...I felt and still do feel the exact same way. It really hurt me when my sister said that she played by herself at school and didn't have friends. I immediately knew the root of this. It was hard for me to give her advice - because I've always been social and my issues with people really didn't pop off until high school. But it was heartbreaking. I couldn't help feel some what responsible for that, because she's use to me being there and I think reality has finally set in that I don't live in Los Angeles. It's been an entire year...it reminds me of the time my uncle left for college in 86. I still remember that void I felt that day he left.
  • I really don't appreciate D.C. and their spirit of being conservative. I want to have sex during the week. Why must I wait until the weekend to enjoy a tuna sub? I mean people work during the week and party on the weekends. I guess it does keep you in line.
  • I really feel like I've been suppressing things...
  • With the boom of I-Pads and Kindles, even though a lot of people don't have them yet, I'm still keeping my tour schedule small.
  • I was real tempted to move to back to L.A. last night. Only because of my sister. I hate seeing children suffer, especially when they shouldn't. I know that feeling all too well.
  • I see imma have to stop saying hello to people I once deemed as friends. It seems like every time I call this person to say hi, they always think I want something, when I know damn well I don't call no muthafuckin body asking them for a gotdamn thing! I guess.
  • I finally went to one of the museums (Smithsonian) this past weekend. It was cute. I need to do more of that.
  • So the Government is shutting down. I'll be catching up on much needed sleep.
  • It's a fine line...I'm trying to keep my balance.
  • Your trash can tells all of your business.
  • I got the blessing of one of my favorite authors ever...That definitely added pressure.
  • It's funny how my sister helps me re-examine my own childhood. Seeing her grow up is like watching my life being played back...
  • So my white boss. The one that is a literal hillbilly, sassed me today. When dealing with white people, play the white game. ACT LIKE EVERY THING IS FINE AND DANDY!!! WHEN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR HITS, CREEP INTO THE DARKNESS AND THROW THAT ASS UNDER THE BUS IN SILENCE. BY THE TIME MORNING HITS, THEY NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT THEM. Translated: Pick and choose your battles wisely and strike at the right time.
  • I'm gonna need these straight men to stop leaving themselves open for gay responses. For instance, my co-worker asked if I was pregnant. My response, "I don't swallow."
  • I'm really going to need to start going with my first mind more often.